The Up and Down Road of a Healing Journey.
A few weeks ago, things were on the up I found myself relatively pain-free able to move easily after nearly 10 months of agony in my knee’s. I was felt like the fog had finally lifted in my mind I was able to focus. It gave me hope that it was possible to become pain-free again, one way or another.
Fast forward to today and I have had a massive flareup in the last couple of weeks all largely started because we went on holiday, which meant there were lots of triggers that wouldn’t of been there had I have been at home. Things like different foods, water, sleeping in a different bed as well as all the subconscious thoughts making me feel unsafe in different surroundings, these are the ones many of us dont even know are there. These are all slight changes which my body wasn’t used to so it went back into survival mode, to get me to stop doing what ever I was doing (having fun) Our brain has a funny way of trying to keep us safe .
I was fortunate enough whilst we were on holiday to have gotten the doctor to give me some steroids which were the real reason the pain went. Which meant that for the first time in a long time I was pain-free to sit, stand and even go to bed it felt like there was freedom that I’ve not had in a very long time . It is not my desire to take these kinds of medication long term at all, however I have to say that 5 days just helped me get on in a way that I’ve not been able to for months.
The steroids came to an end, however, and this coincided with when we were on holiday and now looking back I can see that the two things together have culminated in this huge flare up.
Nobody says that a healing journey is linear in fact I can hand on heart say that nothing of this last 11 years has gone the way I thought it would or should go. Sure I’ve healed in places that I didn’t even know I needed healing in, however what I have found the most difficult is the ability to forgive myself through this process, knowing deep down that at some level I have caused this and thats the truth. My own mind has been working against me for so long that I created the thing that I was most scared of. A body which is in pain, over weight and unable to move properly.
This is the power of our negative thoughts, ones where we attack ourselves rather than care for ourselves. This is the result of not being conscious of what we are saying about ourselves in our mind every second of every day.
I am grateful that my faith in Jesus has taught me that I can be forgiven for the mistakes I’ve made, praise God, the choice I have now is to forgive myself because I’ve been forgiven. If I choose to hold onto unforgiveness and bitterness. My body will never fully heal, and this is what they don’t tell you because for the most part doctors never look at this part.
Guilt and shame the two wicked brothers also seem to have a huge part in this situation where there is unforgiveness you are guaranteed to feel guilt and shame and for the most part guilt and shame has no place to be here they are evil to the core, and will keep you stuck and in the dark depths far longer than necessary.
What I’ve learnt the most from this situation is that I’m not just a physical body. I also have a mind that mind is where all of my thoughts from my subconscious come from, the issue we also have our emotions, which we never learned to distinguish as children, to much emphasis on the stiff upper lip and pretending things were “fine” in England thats for sure. Emotions such as unforgiveness shame and guilt however create such a void within us that our body can never truly let go unless we choose to let go ourselves.
Last week on a particularly bad day the words that come out of my mouth about myself was something that even I was still shocked about. I thought I had done most of the work around my negative self talk turns out that our muscles and particularly our cells hold on, and have memories of basically every bad thing we have ever said about ourselves. When released through exercise, physio and massage they all come up, to get out.
We were taught that in school, were we?
It’s literally been like peeling an onion I’ve had to do one layer at a time trusting and hoping that one day it will culminate to a truly divine and amazingly healthy body from the inside out. Because I know deep down that it is my heritage as a child of God to have a body that is fully functioning, pain-free and capable of helping me live out this life on Earth.
I have a belief that by the time I’m 40 which is in three years time I will be healthier and happier and look better than I did when I was in my 20s. By having beliefs like this, it helps my brain to keep giving me the steps to pull me through on the days which are really difficult, or on the days where it feels like I’ve gone backwards or like I’m not making any progress at all.
These are the kind of heart beliefs which we need to rewire our brain to see so that we can believe it before we see it. This is the power of neuroscience it’s finally caught up with the Bible when it says “Hold every thought captive and renew your mind”
We really do hold the power to change things for the better now when it comes to our health we just have to open our hearts and minds to receive the steps.
